Gavin Johnson- My journey with mental health

Tell me a bit about yourself! 

Hello everyone, thank you for taking the time to read a little bit about my time at the RCS and the experiences I had with my mental health during that time, it means a lot.

To begin, I’ll talk a little bit about my background and what I studied at RCS. I grew up in the west coast of Scotland in a little village called Ford, Argyll & Bute and I started playing the tuba when I was 12 years old. A couple of years later I auditioned for the Junior RCS and I stayed there for an amazing 4 years. After this, I decided to stay at the RCS for another 4 years for my BMus degree from which I graduated in 2022. So all in all, I spent 8 years in the wonderful community that is the RCS.

Now, I find myself half way through my 1st year at the Royal College of Music in London, studying for a MPerf and it is all very exciting, but I do miss my RCS days! 

What was your experience like during your time as a student at RCS? 
Being in an environment like a conservatoire can bring many ups and downs as no matter what you’re studying, there is always a sense of competition and having to prove yourself to yourself and of course, your teachers/peers. This can be a good thing, I definitely found it useful as I thrive off of competition and pushing myself to see how far I can go. But sometimes, I found myself burnt out, no hope left and very much upset with myself as I saw others do things I couldn’t, especially in 1st and 2nd year. But, over my 4 years I learned how to deal with that and when to sometimes take a step back and remind myself of how far I’ve really come. It’s a good thing to have competition but the most important thing is to remind yourself of how you have improved as a person and as a performer. 

Half way through my 2nd year, COVID-19 hit and suddenly like the rest of the world, I found myself at home with nothing to do, all things I loved doing couldn’t happen anymore and even though I tried to keep working hard on my instrument, it just wasn’t the same. I found that I had actually been struggling with depression and anxiety for a number of years and I’d just been hiding behind this metaphorical wall of performing and playing my tuba, as this is what I loved and still do. So when this is stripped away from you, when that wall is broken down, you are left bare for the whole world to see as such, and I then started to suffer from extremely bad depression and anxiety during lockdown which then ended up in me suffering from 7 suicide attempts from May 2020 to around the end of 2021. Saying that, one of the things that kept me going was that I knew one day, I’ll be able to walk back into the RCS, be with my friends and perform. So, I’m very thankful to everyone that kept me going so that I was able to do this again and go on to graduate and graduate well.

One thing I would say to anyone at a conservative, no matter what you study, you are doing your best, don’t let anyone tell you you’re not, no one knows the battles you have to go through each day, you do what is best for you and you only.  

From a disability point of view, throughout my time at RCS, I suffered from a long term illness, that being epilepsy. Some may not know much about the illness, but it definitely had an effect on my time there. My memory was awful, my mood was up and down constantly, I would be tired all the time and that’s without having a seizure. After I’d have a seizure, it would sometimes take me a week to fully recover, so when you have one the morning of a big concert, you can only imagine how difficult that was. The adversity for me is Epilepsy and you may face a different but equally difficult burden or hardship however, you just have to keep going and believe in yourself that you can achieve whatever you want despite the adversity you have to go through. 

How did you find the transitions from being at school to living independently as a student? 
When coming into your 1st year at university it is very easy to lose control of what’s important and why you’re there. It is natural I think to maybe party a bit too much for the first couple of years but then when you realise that you really need to work harder than you’ve ever worked before to achieve your goals it can be very difficult. Over time I found, like many, that keeping a good balance of work, time for yourself and a social life is the best way to thrive at university, especially at a conservative where a lot of what we do, is all about connections and the friends we make.

Taking time for yourself is something that I (embarrassingly!) only have really properly discovered in the past year or so. It can be small things like tidying your room, making your favourite meal, watching your favourite TV show or even treating yourself to a nice bath! It can make you wake up the next day, ready for whatever is going to hit you. In the life of a conservatoire student, we can often find ourselves in the building from 9-5 or even later, so it’s very crucial that we find a balance in our life’s as over time you can find yourself burnt out and sometimes a bit depressed. 

As discussed above, the conservatoire life can be overwhelming sometimes and my main advise would be to find a hobby that you love or used to love doing! For me it was always watching Formula 1 or the football and I would watch it with my friends and even have a kick about after a day at RCS with the brass department, this is something that helped me feel a bit more normal again and sometimes (as a musician anyways) locking yourself away in a practice room all day is enough to drive anyone a bit crazy!  

One of the things I really loved doing was getting away from music and challenging myself to something not even slightly related to music and that was working in Jackson’s! It was a great way for me to learn more about myself, what other skills I had apart from music and how I could cope in stressful situations. It let me take my mind away from RCS life for a bit and helped me mentally in the way that I became more confident over time and I could trust myself more as I was having to make stressful decisions and of course it was great as it let me meet students from RCS that I wouldn’t of necessarily met if I hadn’t been working there. 

What did you find that helped? was there anything that didn't help? 
If you struggle with mental health problems or even if you feel sad and a bit lonely at times, I promise you, hand on heart, as hard as it is and as scary as it might seem, TALKING to someone or anyone, is the best thing you can do. In the past when I’ve been struggling the best thing someone can do is not even give me advice, but just let me rant at them and get everything that I had on my mind out and afterwards I felt so much better. It was as if I had been handcuffed for months and finally someone found the keys and I was set free. It doesn’t even need to be someone that is your best friend, sometimes I find it’s better to talk to someone that isn’t involved in anything as they aren’t going to pass any judgment. I cannot stress enough how much this helps. It sounds so simple, but I do understand how hard it is to take that first step in admitting you need to talk but it’s better to take one step forward than one step back.

One thing I’m personally very passionate about is the horrible stigma there is against men having mental health problems and this is something I faced during my time at RCS at the beginning, but by the end it was no longer something that was around. It can be very difficult for guys to come out and talk about there mental health struggles as we are often told that if we show emotion, we are less of a man. This is absolutely rubbish. I like to think now, in 2023, this isn’t the case and things have improved, we see a lot of famous male celebrities coming out and saying ‘well actually I’m really struggling’ but there is still work to be done. Please let it be known, from a man to a man, if you’re struggling with your mental health as someone who identifies as a male, you’re no less of a man than anyone else. If anything you’re stronger than others because you are not afraid of showing your emotions to anyone and are ready to fight against the thoughts you may be having, one of the hardest things one can do, it think anyways.  

 What was your experience of the support at RCS?
The RCS offers lots of different mental health services and this was something I took up during my first year there. For me, it wasn’t for me in the type of therapy they offered but that isn’t to say it isn’t for you! It might be exactly what you need, so please don’t be afraid and reach out to them, they are lovely people. 

 For me, I found talking to my head of department, 1-1 teachers and the late Nigel Boddice MBE, helped me a lot. They were always very understanding and would allow me to take as much time as I needed to get back to where I need to be mentally and I knew they were always there if I needed a chat. The chats I had with Mr Boddice, will always stay with me.  

What helped you face your struggles with mental health?  

My family, both my Mum and sister are the the reasons I’m still here today. Without there help and patience, I think I can safely say I wouldn’t be here. It also helped a lot that during my 4 years at the RCS, my sister studied for her masters in voice and then studied in the opera school so she was always around if I need help or was having a panic attack for example.

I couldn’t of survived my time over the past 4 years without my friends at the RCS, all of whom I am still best friends with today, they kept me going through the dark dark days, ran around Glasgow trying to find me during my really bad times, called the police on me if they really had to during my attempted suicide days and this is something I will always be grateful for. The RCS will and always has been a big family and without that I would’ve struggled.

If you could say only one thing to current and future students/artists what would be?  
Don’t give in. You’ve got this! If I can do it, so can you and remember, no problem is ever too hard to fix, the most important thing is you, so don’t let others bring you down. Just let your achievements do the talking! 

Gavin Johnson.